Love to me is elusive.
I recoil at the hope of it.
I get a little shakey when I think of all I’ve never felt.
Then, I get contained and reclusive at the fear that the spark that I dream of doesn’t actually exist.
What happens when I connect with someone in all the right ways but, I can’t see it because I’m waiting for some magic feeling?
Have I already done that?
I ache to be independent, to live my life alone filled with adventures.
But, in the same breath I want tenderness, affection, someone to believe in me.
I also want to thrive,
and I’m not sure I do when I’m in relationships.
I protect myself a lot.
I build a defense around loneliness and accept an existence without loving again.
But, truthfully, I ache to be enthralled with someone.
To have that person enamored with me in some way.
To feel seen and ignited at the same time.
I long for it and run from it also.
Like playing tug of war with myself.
Once, I knew a guy in high school.
He came to my house and we walked around the yard and played in the barn.
I can now remember the flirting.
The stolen glances and subtle moves that could have led to kissing.
I remember them now.
But, I had no idea at the time.
I had feelings for him and convinced myself that there was no chance for me.
So, I goofed around and acted as his pal.
I dodged the intimate moments and barely looked into his eyes.
I wish this was a solitary moment.
Isolated as a single experience.
However, it’s a pattern.
A habit that has kept me from ever tapping into my depths of love.
In the past I’ve attributed it to something I learned as a child.
A pattern of behavior I created to protect me from divorce.
But, I’m starting to realize it’s more a pattern of behavior developed to protect me from rejection.
At the core of my being I believe that no one is attracted to me.
I’ve always believed that deep down, my eyes water as I type the words.
I preach self-acceptance and I believe it.
I’ve got that figured out.
But, the fact is, you can’t hold people to your own standards.
I may love the way I look.
But, I do have a much harder time believing that men do.
It’s a hard season to be in.
One where you crave affection, but, aren’t sure if anyone will desire you again.
I feel inadequate in so many ways.
I wish I felt strongly in what I have to offer someone – the world.
I’d like to feel like I could just take the world or leave it.
If you don’t see the goodness in me than you don’t deserve me.
That’s what I’d tell my friends anyway.
Instead, if the world doesn’t see the good in me, I find myself questioning if it exists at all.