We moved into our house in May. Oby and I rented a 3 bedroom because it was incredibly important for us to each have a space of our own. When we moved in I ended up with the master bedroom. It’s the biggest room I’ve ever had, with the biggest closet and the most spacious bathroom. I set up my closet early and offered up my room as the place that we could store things while we arranged the rest of the house.
Until this weekend, that remained the case. I’m the kind of person who needs her own space. I crave a peaceful haven where I can be alone with my thoughts, rest easy and have as much quiet as I could hope for. It feeds my soul. So, needless to say, it hasn’t felt great to me to walk into ‘my room’ and see a myriad of things that we haven’t found a home for or that we needed to give away.
One morning this weekend, I asked Oby if we could clean up the space. We emptied it out and I set up my ‘bed.’ Currently, a mattress on the floor. (One day I will get a bed frame or at least a box spring, I swear.)
I find it interesting how we can sabotage ourselves sometimes. Believing that we aren’t worthy of the things that bring us comfort, or happiness, or success. This room is something I’d looked forward to, but, when it came down to it, I didn’t believe that I deserved it.
I heard once that confidence is simply a positive form of entitlement. Believing that you deserve good things. I find that easy to do in relationships and in work. But, when it comes to my well-being I can find that tricky. I can believe that I deserve success because I know the amount of work that I put in everyday. I can believe that I deserve a mutually respectful relationship because I’m too happy alone to settle for less and because I will pour out love and respect to my partner on a daily basis. Convincing myself that I deserve time to take a long shower, a room that feels peaceful and inspires me to pull at my deep wells of joy, an afternoon yoga class, or even the opportunity to eat lunch not over my computer screen. These things feel more difficult.
Perhaps because I don’t believe I deserve them. Perhaps because I’m not creating a life that’s suited for rest at the moment.
Unlike value, confidence isn’t intrinsic. We are born worthy, but, it takes a few extra steps on occasion for us to believe it. It’s time that I start to believe I’m worthy of rest, of peace, of a simple lifestyle and general well-being.
Better now than never.