One of my New Years resolutions was to take a self-portrait once a week and write about where I am at the moment. It’s an attempt to remain in touch with my artist self and to guarantee that she has a voice in my life.
My duty in this is to always be honest.
Lately, I have felt like the worst possible version of myself.
Selfish and arrogant, scared, judgmental and inflexible.
I feel out of sorts with the way I’m responding to my fear and unhappy with the way I’ve learned to cope with it.
When I talk to people they all seem to feel as though they have this all figured out while I sit with them listening and swirling inside. What do I have to offer the world if it’s not my emotional maturity.
I’ve spent years learning how to use my logic to make sense of my feelings.
I can sort them out in my mind and separate them from my person.
However, there’s a second layer of belief, things deeply rooted in myself that I learned at a young age and I’ve been feeding without intention for my entire life.
Those things well, they’re the swirls happening below my very logical and emotionally organized surface.
Jen Sincero would say it’s because that part of yourself hates change and when things start going right, it will try it’s hardest to sabotage you.
I’d like to wake up one day and be completely enlightened, I’d like to sit in the middle of a crowded coffee shop with eyes closed and a barrier of zen surrounding me, unwavereed by the circumstances or the depths of the world. But, the fact is, I’m a feeler.
I’m a whirlwind of experiences that occasionally reacts in ways that I hate in myself.
Occasionally, I will stare at someone who seems to have it all figured out. I place myself in their shoes and imagine what it would feel like to carry the wisdom of the universe in my mind.
Then, I remember a conversation that I had with a wise family member recently.
He said that we all have baggage, it’s just in a different case.
It’s in the moment that I remember that we are all carrying around with us the weight of our experience that I’m able to be a little bit kinder to myself and in turn others.
All I can do is apologize when I’m wrong, look at others with grace and do my best to make sure none of you think I’ve gotten it all figured out.