Before I even had a menstrual cycle I can remember being a sexual person.
I bought my first thong in middle school and for over a decade I wore sexy underwear that no one would see. I’ve always taken my time with the things that I enjoy. I love to look at myself naked in the mirror and enjoy the feeling of my hands on my skin. I’ve always made a point to feel and experience everything I can to the fullest extent.
For the majority of my life, my sexuality and my experiences were mine alone. They belonged to me and if anyone was invited into that space, I knew that they were a visitor there. That at the end of the day I lived this life for my own happiness and sense of adventure.
I spoke to a friend over coffee once about my energy. The way I feel like my flirtatious energy vibrates in all directions against my will. I want everyone to feel loved, comfortable, accepted. I want to be a home for the people I encounter.
As I’ve fallen in love again and I seek to find a balance in truth to myself and kindness to others, I’ve discovered that all of these things make a commitment tricky. My sensuality and my experiences no longer belong to me alone. That I’ve chosen to share that energy with someone. That for the first time I’ve let someone into that space as a permanent resident, to create a home in the deepest parts of myself.
I feel fumbly here.
Inexperienced in giving up control and my powers of logic and reason don’t always have the strongest voice in a shared emotional space.
I feel like I’m riding without training wheels for the first time.
It’s the same vehicle, but, I’m a lot shakier.
But, all of the practice, all of the conversations and all of the risk are worth it for the moments where you’re riding down hill with the wind in your hair and a smile on your face.
To trace the lines on the face of the one you love, to have a heart imprinted on your own heart, to build something rather than to spend a life seeking the next great adventure.
I guess, love in itself is this strange adventure.
Choosing someone everyday.
Building foundations on trust, communication and deep respect for one another.
I like journeys that have destinations.
Goals with steps that ensure I will get where I’m going.
Love doesn’t offer that.
There’s no arrival. No end point.
Just everyday choosing.