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On Emotional Composure and Breaking Free.

I used to sit out on the dock over the lake.
I would sit there for hours just writing and reading and listening to the old men tell stories.

Those moments could quite possibly be the highlight of that time in my life.
Watching the water, managing my teenage angst and making plans to do something great one day.

I’ve always comforted myself that way, in isolation.
I guess it’s my opportunity to align the thoughts in my mind with the stimuli from the outside world.
To make sense of the mixture of my emotion and my logic.

This is a tactic to life that has worked quite well for me in the past.

It works particularly well with my independent nature.

I guess it’s inconvenient to communicate that experience with another person. To try and explain that things take time for me to process and I may separate myself with every intention of returning with a clear mind and organized thoughts.

I can’t always control the way conversations happen.
Sometimes my heart leaps from my chest through my throat and before I’m able to pull them back down the words have already escaped and I’m filled with regret.
Those words are never organized, they rarely make sense, and they’re usually quick and emotional and a little bit charged.

That’s not my ideal.
I hate chewing on the aftertaste of words I wish I’d never spoken.

But, watching people react to the holding of my tongue is also rarely a pleasant experience.
People want answers, they want to know why I’m quiet, they long to hear the emotional shake in my voice and with every relationship that I open myself to there’s one more person chiseling away at my emotionally composed exterior.

I often sit in crowds of people who I know quite well and feel completely alone.
There’s a powerful piece of knowledge in understanding the significance of a common denominator.
If this is a pattern in my life than it must be something within me that is creating the environment that I’ve come to not enjoy.

In this case, I think it’s my desire to not behave rashly that can sometimes make me feel isolated.
I’m happy to be honest and authentic with anyone.

However, the sharing of my unfiltered emotional experience is extremely rare, it’s something that I open up lightly to only a few people and it is certainly never a planned experience.

For much of my life this isn’t something I wanted. I didn’t see the value in being what I deemed “out of control.”
As I move forward and open myself up to people seeing me in my rawest form I can find the beauty there.

Yesterday as I reminded myself of the list of people who truly know who I am to my core, I realized that it’s those relationships that I know I will maintain for my life. Those are the ones that I can’t let pass with the seasons.

It’s all of the relationships in which I’ve maintained my composure that I could ultimately take or leave.
Because I can compose myself around anyone. I can control myself around a total stranger.
But, to let myself be a little bit wild, a little bit emotionally scattered, and brutally confused at times, well that’s something that can only happen when deep-rooted trust and acceptance are present.

That’s something to hold on to.

with love,

Sarajane.

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