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On Divorce. ( The Evolution Series: Week 9 )

I watched an old video of us today. I cringed at the sound of your voice because it was once the most important thing in the world to me.

week 9-1

I couldn’t recognize her.
The girl in the video. The high-pitched voice telling people not to take her too seriously.
It was there that it made sense. The way our puzzle pieces no longer fit together. I am not her and she is not me. I’ve stepped so far away from who I once was and you stepped in your own direction unnoticeably not together.
It’s hard for me to remember being her, to me she seems weak and apologetic. She seems to be living her life knowing that she’s being viewed and bending to the will of her audience.
I can feel myself inside of her punching at the walls of her heart to break free. Telling her to stop apologizing for taking up space.
I think it was me that had her skinny dip in the ocean that night, mouth rich with the taste of tequila dancing as she thought of what lives beyond the moon. I pounded the rhythm that she swayed to from deep within her and you resented her for that, you resented every step that she made closer to me.
I used to tell you that you didn’t love me. You loved a version of me that you’d grown attached to. I realize  now that you loved her. The part of me that wanted to be everything for you, for the world. It’s not your fault either, that’s who I showed you. It’s not that I wasn’t there, it’s just that I always seemed to threaten your happiness and she never wanted that to happen. So, I stayed quiet until it was too painful to do that anymore.
Only in truly loving and being loved as I am that I’ve learned what it could have been all along. What my fists wanted as they banged at the walls of my heart begging me to utter the words that created a pit between your life and mine.
with love,
Jess Durrell - March 2, 2016 - 3:14 pm

kindred <3

Ben Curry - March 2, 2016 - 3:41 pm

Wow! Thank you for sharing this!

Emilee Galloway - March 2, 2016 - 3:43 pm

Wow. you words resonate in my heart. God knew I needed to read this today.
Regardless of which version of yourself I once knew, I am better having known you.

You’re quote possibly one of the strongest, most inspiring women I’ve ever known. I could stand to learn so much

Brenna Pearl Cauthen - March 2, 2016 - 4:19 pm

Thank you so much for posting this. <3 it is everything.

Nora Roy - March 2, 2016 - 5:00 pm

Beautiful. I’ve been that girl too, she feels very foreign to me now, as if I’ve somehow been separated from her by a lifetime. Thank you for sharing so eloquently.

Gretchen Joy - March 2, 2016 - 9:26 pm

You, always. Beautiful and brave and knowing words. Thank you.

Sarah Quaintance Roe - March 2, 2016 - 10:20 pm

Brave and beautiful!

Kimberly Spearman - March 2, 2016 - 11:59 pm

Beautiful, kind, strong, talented, intelligent, and free spirited all describe you and your growth! One can be loved by many but never really be loved until it is love from the right person! Every person along the way has been placed in our lives in order to lead us to where we need to be and whom we should be with. Love your thoughts or reflections from the past and so happy you found your happy place!!

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