I feel as though I’m working through some big things in my life right now. Choosing to live in my present moment. Doing my best to live the life of my dreams while not being able to control everything around me. I’m seeking healthy hobbies and building habits that I’m proud of. I eat at home more than I ever have and I’m drinking less alcohol and less coffee. I’m loving freely without fear. Well, maybe not without fear completely, but, I’m managing it and not letting it lead my decisions. I’m allowing space for myself to enjoy my gifts and to not feel weighed down by the obligations I have to people. I am the closest I’ve ever been to work/life balance and to top it off, I’m doing my best to be playful everyday.
So, why am I crying in this coffee shop?
I’m doing my best to live what I like to call an “engaged life.” The kind of life where you are actively participating. Where you’re asking yourself the hard questions, making adjustments and seeking to be fully present and aware.
It can be easy to let the waves of life push you around and take you under. This is what I like to call the “circumstance driven” life.
When living a circumstance driven life your experience is driven by the waves of your circumstances. On occasion you will be moving rapidly forward. At other times you’ll be upside down and unsure if you’ll ever see the surface again. It doesn’t sound easy, but, the thing is, no matter where you are or how tossed you feel, it’s always the fault of the waves. You can always look to the heavens and say that you were dealt a bad hand and you can just wait until circumstances change for you to feel better.
Someone living an engaged life is working hard at their existence. They’re looking to chisel at the wounds and ego that they’ve built up over the years of experience. They look at circumstances as temporary moments that will pass but know that they should be felt fully. They continuously ask themselves what they need and they do their best to provide that.
Living an engaged life is hard. It’s tiring and it comes with it’s own set of complications.
If you asked me why I choose to live this way, I’d love to tell you flatly that it’s because it’s rewarding.
However, the truth has more to do with the fact that I’ve had seasons of living a circumstance driven life and it just didn’t feel good on me. I felt lifeless and sad, empty and without purpose.
An engaged life is hard and there are times that I sit crying in a coffee shop over the weight of it all. But, man if it doesn’t feel better on my bones to actively participate in my life.
I’ll take struggle over lifelessness every single day of the week.
But, what if instead of embracing the struggle we treated it as a game? A puzzle to figure out, a sort of playful celebration at the idea of growth. What if it didn’t have to be so serious? What if we treated personal growth as an act of play?
Life can be handled so seriously but, it can also be a delightful game that we dance around as we experience it’s oddities. I think I’d rather engage with the complexity and figure out the puzzles of my psyche while treating it with a layer of lightness. Don’t you?
with love and a constant pursuit of the best life possible,