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My Soul is Red Clay Mud.

I hope that I’m not the only one who can go weeks just feeling like the worst version of themselves.
It scares me when I’m in this season.
I’m reminded of the rainy days when we lived on Rabbit Ham Rd.
Wanting to go out and play in the woods but, finding myself trudging through the mud.
My feet sinking deeply into the red clay; often, I’d lose a sneaker to the earth, pulling my foot up bare and cold.

 

The plans that I’d had were light and playful.
Perhaps, running around pretending to fight werewolves, catching crawfish in the creek, or trying to find arrowheads.
Instead, I’d be sinking, stuck, and dirty.

That’s kind of how I feel right now.
Like I’m trudging through the nastiness that is my personality.
Like I’m sinking into my soul and it’s dirty.

At my worst I am self-absorbed.
I am distant and detached.
I believe that I know all of the right answers.
I’m scared to speak because I’m afraid of looking stupid.
I allow people to not take me seriously while feverishly working to prove to myself that I’m worth more than what I’ve shown them.
I’m easily overwhelmed and scared of saying ‘no.’
At my worst I feel like an imposter so I overcompensate.
I turn into a work robot and I deprive myself of fun.
At my worst things get lost in the chaos.
I take on so much that it’s easier for things to slip through the cracks.
At my worst I’m careless with those I love, I’m forgetful, I’m easily distracted, and I’m so very scared of failure.
At my worst I need more positive affirmation than I feel capable of supplying.

Right now I feel like I’m trudging.
Like I’m stuck in the red clay mud trying to decide if I should dig my shoe out of the earth and run home or leave it there and just keep trudging.

Right now I feel like I’m at my worst.

But, when I’m at my best I’m warm and open.
I’m non-judgemental and quick to be affectionate.
I’m playful, silly, and easy to please.
At my best I am hard-working but balanced.
I delight in the little pleasures and dance constantly.
I’m deep, thoughtful and use my time to give back to people.
I pick trash up from the ground and share conversations with anyone who wants to open up to me.
At my best I breathe love and I see everyone as a vessel for light.
At my best I’m creative and engaging.
I’m determined, calm, and exciting.
I’m not afraid to share my thoughts, my time, or my heart.
At my best I don’t allow anyone to make me feel inferior yet I recognize that I’m no better than anyone else.
The best version of me sees life as an opportunity to make others see their deep and unshakeable value.

I’d like to tie this up with a pretty bow.
To say that the key to this lesson is to merge the two and to know that I am never one without the other.
But, the fact is, I am still trudging.
I haven’t tied it up just yet and it’d be a lie to write out a resolution that doesn’t quite exist.

However, the beauty in this is that it’s OK.
I’m alright with the lack of perfection, the uneasiness that is my internal dialogue right now.
Being part of the human experience is an honor and this life, no matter the complications or the aches and pains, is well worthy of my time and attention.
So, I’ll continue to live it as beautifully or as muddy as I can at the time.

with love,

Sarajane.

Donna Dobbins McCall - December 24, 2014 - 9:14 am

Sarajane, What a perfect description. I am able to feel these best and worse scenarios as if I’m living them myself. Oh wait….maybe I am…maybe we all are, Great food for thought,Thank you

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