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Less than.

I have a continued goal to keep everything honest and balanced on here.
It would be nice to share only the moments when I’m confident.
It would be lovely if I never doubted myself, if I always felt secure and capable.
Surely, it would be more inspiring, encouraging and positive.

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However, the truth, is that it comes in waves.

Monday when I wrote about being ‘more than sweet’ I felt strong.
I felt competent and capable and empowered.

Today as I glanced over my OK Cupid profile and thought about the daunting world that is dating, I felt like less.

I felt less attractive.
Less interesting.
Less fun.
Less worthy of love.
Less intelligent or clever or talented.

It can feel as though we have to be everything in order to be anything.

I began to think of my flaws.

I am uninterested in being skinny.
I am pre-occupied with work and creative goals.
I am timid when it comes to romance.
I don’t go on 14 mile hikes or mountain bike or climb waterfalls on a regular basis.
I probably haven’t watched that TV show that you love or read that book or seen that movie.
I’m so very goofy and so very serious.
Sitting still is really hard for me.
I don’t stand up for myself enough to be exciting.
I’m neither a purist nor a party girl.
I’d rather sit with a book and coffee than talk to someone who is barely listening.
I’m much more content being alone and secure in myself than to risk rejection and self-doubt.

There isn’t much of a point to all of this. Mostly just a reminder that we all have our things that we worry about.

I am so very flawed,
so very scared,
and so very timid at times.

It’s in these moments that I try to remember what my roots are.
If I’m rooted in kindness, in the pursuit of happiness, and as long as I’m chasing the adventure that I seek, than I should be content.
Everything else is just the whip cream to my sundae of a life.

with love and honesty,

Sarajane.

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