A friend recently told me I was radiant.
As she spoke I was analyzing a photo that she’d taken of me.
I felt old and worn. Everything but radiant.
There’s a piece of me at times, that aches to feel valuable.
To contribute to the world.
I can’t imagine what people are seeing when they look at me.
What they feel when they interact with me.
I’m hungry for meaning, depth, vision.
But, also invisibility.
To be somewhere that no one knows me.
To blend into the background and just observe for a minute.
I want to sink into my strength.
To embrace my anger and to not fluff up my life for anyone.
I want to try on the kind of attitude that asks for what it wants.
One that doesn’t sugar coat things for anyone.
I want to give up on being “likable” and “sweet.”
Instead focusing on being authentic and strong.
I’ve spent years being embarrassed by my femininity.
Ashamed of my womanhood and proud to identify with the men in my life.
I saw weakness in my delicacy and shame in my emotions.
Last night as I sipped my bourbon I gazed at my hips and thought, ” I am full of womanhood.”
I gain my strength from my womb.
Although I may not hunger to birth children,
there’s motherhood in my bones and nurture in my spirit.
Those things are not synonymous with a love of nail polish or whatever other simple topic I may feel disjointed from.
Rather, they’re synonymous with giving life, creating a home for people in my presence, and the ability to handle more then I believed possible.
Although I feel clunky and awkward, I am innately delicate.
I’m gentle with those I love and protective at the same time.
When I allow myself to get lost in a sea of misunderstanding myself or looking to others to tell me what they see, then I am at risk.
At risk of getting lost and missing my goal.
Of forgetting what my ultimate values are, what my core life statement is.
Letting go of seeing myself clearly can often look like letting go of kindness and being significantly more selfish in response to feeling undervalued.
It’s times like these that I need to remember to stop, breathe, and ask myself what it is I want.