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Instead, I wrote this…

I was going to write a blog about using the word, “cute.”
How I dislike it.
How I think we use it to replace better, more meaningful words.
Words like: intelligent, strong, beautiful, charismatic, charming, well put-together, etc.

I was going to write a blog about using the word, “cute.”

But, I think you get the gist of it.

Instead, I wrote this…

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I’ve replayed my life over and over in my mind the last few days.

Interactions I’ve shared with loved ones, heart aches, moments where I felt like I must be able to fly, and times where I never felt more stuck to the earth.

I’ve replayed it, and replayed it, and replayed it.

You see,  I’m eager to share love and terrified of it at the same time.

Like a little girl running toward the waves of the ocean and running away as they get close to her toes.

The water is cold, but, she doesn’t realize all she has to do is let it wash over her.
Eventually, her body will adjust and the water will begin to feel not just acceptable, but, refreshing.

Tapping into the depths of my emotions feels limitless and exciting.
Also, like the ocean, I’m intimidated by what I could find at the deepest parts of my shadow-y heart.

I replay it.

I see myself pulling away, the dodged public kisses, not saying goodbye out of a fear of missing them, attempting to hold onto my heart like a buoy that will keep me afloat if I just never give it all away.

Partially, to protect myself; partially, to protect everyone else.

I’m not shy to admit I starve for independence.
My need to own my time is a reality.
However, it’s the strange notion that we can share our heart without feeling like a half of one whole.

Maybe, there’s a version of love where two wholes make two awesome wholes that happen to care deeply for one another.
Maybe, it’s OK to love even if you don’t know that it will last.
Maybe, it’s really just beautiful and riveting to have loved at all.

Maybe, there’s a richness in the authenticity of emotion that is worth the inevitable wounds.

with love,

Sarajane.

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