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Impasse.

For a moment yesterday, I sat in my worry.

I looked at the photograph of myself compared to the ones near by and I lost sight of my value.
I worried that I’m not enough to hold his attention.
I worried that I’m not enough to hold my own affection.
I worried that I wasn’t the kind of girl who wears a lot of eyeliner, I worried about the size of my hips and the understanding that I’ll grow old.

I worried that my affection towards work would somehow disable me creatively.
I feel as though I’m at an impasse.
How does one remain inspired? Energized? Original? Balanced? and productive

I’ve built a box of routines to manage my workload while ensuring that everything I do requires my creative energy.

This morning I looked around the coffee shop feeling less than beautiful, less than interesting, and I sought for someone powerful. I wanted to study their force and remember what it feels like to know my value.

Instead, I remember that for many, they’d perceive me to be that person and I understood that it’s always a dance of battling the voices in our minds. Both the voices of unkindness and the ones of over-confidence.

What I know to be true is that I’ve not been kind to myself lately. I’ve been outwardly focused and that is the recipe that’s historically resulted in feeling undervalued. Building a system that reinforces the idea that you come last is the exact method to which you convince yourself that’s what you deserve.

This week I’m tasked with speaking my truth. With saying ‘no’ even to some things that I would really like to do. All while prioritizing some time for self-care and inspiration. Because, opposed to common belief, neglecting ourselves is not OK. Seeing yourself as meaningless or less than valuable is not OK. Living in that state without seeking a way out serves no one.

Happy Monday dear ones!

with love,

Sarajane.

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