Honestly, I feel like an imposter most of the time. Being in my body feels a lot like being uneasy. I’ve come to believe that we all feel similarly to a degree. I’ve chosen to own my own brand of strange and to love my body because it is the only real home that I’ve ever had. But, there’s a constant nagging.
I have things in my life that exist to remind me that I’m not quite perfect. There’s an option to accept the fact that I’ll never be perfect, to hold onto that and just let go. But, I haven’t quite gotten there yet. I still feel the need to constantly refine myself and try over and over again to be what I deem as ‘exactly right.’
There are areas of my life that feel like the pea under a thousand mattresses. No matter how many accomplishments I pile on top, I can still feel them. They dig into my back as a continuous reminder that I am flawed.
I keep feeling as though one day something will just ‘click’ that makes me amazing at everything that feels lacking in my life.
If _____ were different than I’d be better at _____ .
I’m approached often and talked to about my confidence.
Sometimes, it’s one of my amazing blog readers and other times just strangers on the street.
I do my best to give concise answers and sometimes it’s easier than others.
But, honestly, I carry myself with confidence and hold my insecurities all at once.
There are women who just by their very existence make me feel inferior.
It’s nothing that they do. It’s simply that they’re absurdly beautiful or laid-back and not so work oriented.
Particularly if they’re beautiful in a way that feels impossible for me.
My logical mind and my heart feel strongly that we’re not competing with each other.
I want nothing more than for everyone to be the fullest and truest versions of their beautiful self.
But, in my gut, there are times that my heart sinks with the weight of comparisons.
In that moment the mama bear of my soul rises up to protect the baby that is my heart.
First, I hate myself for not being more of whatever it is that I see in her.
Then, I hate the patriarch for creating a world that requires me to be beautiful to feel like I have worth.
Then, I get mad at myself again for being weak enough to fall for that bullshit.
After that I typically just shed a couple of tears and lug my heavy heart around for the rest of the day.
At times I feel as though I have it all figured out.
I am easy and secure.
Other times my self-esteem feels volatile. I’d say like a roller coaster ride, but, it’s probably more like jumping on a trampoline.
I guess the reason I’m writing this is to maintain authenticity.
Yes, we are all worthy of love and value.
Yes, I think all of you are remarkable.
Yes, I want the best for everyone and competing is sincerely a waste of all of our time.
But, that doesn’t make me immune to the elasticity of my heart.
It doesn’t make me impenetrable.
I think we are all just working to contribute what we can to the world.
Sometimes we are strong and other times we are weak.
It’s the lack of duality in someone that makes me distrust them.
If you are always strong than I believe you to be false.
If you are always weak than I assume you like to play the victim.
Finding that duality is the struggle and the beauty in it for us all.
Being comfortable with both our weakness and our strength is a tricky game, but, it can be a really lovely one at the same time.
Like water that seeps slowly into a sponge, so must we rest into our complexity.