Sometimes, I stare at myself in the mirror.
I look deeply into my own eyes and I try to see goodness there.
Sometimes, I do.
Sometimes I’m able to catch a glimpse of brightness. A twinkle.
There are times when I look into my eyes and I see all of the ways in which I’ve been a let down.
I see all of the times I’ve been emotionally unavailable.
All of the times I’ve misrepresented myself for the sake of another.
The times I’ve allowed myself to seem weak or even stupid for the sake of someone else’s feelings.
I suppose more than anything I fear being inauthentic.
I hold the genuine so much higher then any other trait.
It’s in the moments that I have to stare a little longer.
Where I have to really focus in order to see my authentic self.
Those are the moments that unsettle me the most.
There’s been a loss in my life lately.
I’ve put so much energy and thought into my darkness.
Into my fears and insecurities.
Into planning for my future and figuring out the bigger picture.
It’s valuable for me to do so, but, I’ve lost a bit of my light.
It’s still there, but, I’ve got to start letting it out to play more often.