I’m reading through my old journals right now. Starting from the beginning and hopefully reading the archives of my life. Partially to reminisce, but, mostly to remember. To collect the stories and use them for projects that I’m working on. While doing so, I can’t help but think of where I’ve come from and how I’ve grown. I can’t help but notice patterns of behavior and coping mechanisms developing in those early years that are now just pieces of my existence.
It’s important for me to share light into the world. To embody kindness. Both to myself and to others.
As I’ve read through my elementary and middle school years it’s clear to me that I felt an intense need to protect myself from other people. To the point of detachment and isolation. I had friends, lots of them, but, no one was allowed too close to me. I maintained tiny snippets of relationships with a huge number of people. Mainly this was in preparation for what felt like the inevitable rejection I would experience.
As I look back with clear eyes, I can see how much people just wanted me to be available to them.
Lately, I’ve been reverting to some of those child-like tendencies. I’ve been protecting myself above everyone else. The adult version of me is more concerned with protecting my time and my life-balance. But, it’s the same behavior patterns. Finding reasons to not let people close to me. Seeking excuses to not give people too much of myself or even my approval.
I want to lead with kindness, to guide with understanding.
While self-care and possibly even preservation are important, I want to retain them as tools that I can use. Not guiding principals or default behavior patterns.
I want to be comfortable with the duality of the human condition. To feel open about my shortcomings and available for others to show me theirs. I truly believe that the brightness of our greatest qualities can only shine brighter in the presence of our shadows.
with love and preservation,