On my first day of college, I sat in the gymnasium and looked out among the other freshman. I felt overwhelmed and shy and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would be lonely my entire college career.
Everyone seemed more beautiful, more intelligent, more charming.
More than me.
I heard once that when you’re dating you have to stand in your power.
You have to know how valuable you are.
That is supposed to be the golden ticket to healthy dynamics and being valued by your partner.
My trouble is over-seeing the value in everyone else too.
I may know my worth and that I’m valuable.
But, aren’t we all?
I’m not anymore worthy of love than anyone else.
To take it a step further, my attempts to mirror value back onto people can often look like making myself smaller. As if I am a direct threat to their self-esteem by simply existing.
Which, I’m sure you’ve already said to yourself by now, is vain in its very nature.
My early days of college, I tried to hold myself back, to be contained and uncertain.
To make others feel powerful in my presence.
I guess I still do that on occasion.
I weaken myself to make others feel strong.
But, the fact is, we’re all a miracle.
We’re magic and light.
We’re complex and simple.
We walk in contradiction and hold back more than we show.
Perhaps our souls dance on different frequencies.
But, they’re dancing either way.