I’ve learned to think of negative thoughts as old friends coming to visit. Or, even new friends knocking on your door inviting themselves in.
I took a hiatus from the blog for a few weeks while I traveled. Thanks for understanding the need for rest. This is probably the quietest my blog has ever been. I’m looking forward to continuing the Evolution Series & you may see some more things pop up as time goes on! Thanks for being here.
I’m not a stranger to duality. How a person can be both kind and selfish. How we all share lightness and darkness to our beings neither of which detract or add to your worth, they simply are. I get questioned about my confidence a lot, complimented on the way I hold myself and how I seem to know my worth from a deep place. You know what, it’s true. I’ve put in years of work to believe in my worth, to truly understand my value. However, there are days where I feel meaningless, lack-luster. Lately, those have been more frequent.
I’ve been telling people that this is the only time that I’ve lived alone. I guess it technically is, other than a brief odd period of time that I lived in someone’s basement for a summer. I was working at a home for developmentally disabled adults in Winston-Salem, NC and a truly lovely older couple opened up their basement apartment to me for the summer. Despite a seemingly sweet deal, I spent most of my time at work or traveling to see friends. I just didn’t feel as at home with myself then.
Over the past 7 years I’ve found myself working with people all over the southeast. I’ve spent time in a lot of southern cities over and over again.
There’s something comforting to me about having ‘homes’ in different cities. Exploring independently and finding routines no matter where I am. I make acquaintances everywhere I visit, I like knowing that I’m building something wherever I go – on my own.
It’s been a while since I’ve written. This is probably the longest this blog has heard crickets since it started. I’d love to tell you that I’ve been distracted or busy or that there’s any other reason for allowing silence to live in this space.
The truth is that I’ve been nervous.
This is a topic that I knew I wanted to touch on during this series, but, I wasn’t quite ready to take the risk of putting it all out there. That’s not traditionally the way that I operate and I’m not ready to start living in fear now. So, here we go.
As a thick-bodied person you are always told to cover yourself up. Maybe it’s not directly and maybe it is. But, it’s in the way you hear people talk about others and what they’re wearing, it’s in the “Who wore it best” columns and the whispered critiques of a stranger saying, “that shirt is just not flattering on her.” I decided long ago that I would choose how much of my body to show and what to wear based off of my own desires and nothing else.
I guess part of that is an act of rebellion. A belief that the more you look at my unclothed body the more normal it will be to see women with dimpled thighs and stomachs that aren’t flat. The more you will look at your own stomach changing shape and think that it’s just not that big of a deal.
Dare to feel attractive.
Let me be the first to say that I want to see you.
Don’t make yourself smaller for me.